Hi Divya,


Hope you’re having a lovely week and thank you for your prior interest at <insert gym name> 

I’d love to schedule a time to meet in order to review the options that best suit your goals and offer you a complimentary workout. I have availability today and tomorrow, what works best for you? 

Looking forward to connecting soon! 
 

In good health,

Nondescript Membership Advisor

HELLO!

I hope you’re having a lovely week also! I’ve looked over your email request and had a couple of suggestions to make—nothing major, just some general feedback. I think it’s crucial—admirable even—to be open to criticism and feedback. This is something I hear in abundance as a recent victim of a four-year-long harrowing preparation process to enter the hot market of unemployment college graduate. As people with God-fearing hearts say, you must pay it forward and share the good vibes. Please pay close attention to the following. 

Re: my “prior interest,” unfortunately, I have bad news—I only entered the hallowed halls of your multinational luxury fitness franchise because I was promised a free trial, which, in this economy, awakens in me the same emotions I get upon seeing + petting + thinking about a mini Siberian Husky or three-toed sloth. My roommates, who have a steadier grip on their health than I do, kindly pointed out the nice-smelling eucalyptus-infused towels and guided me back to being a biped as opposed to walking on all fours after spin class. Just wanted to clarify that that’s where my interests (prior and post) lie! Do let me know if that works for you. No worries if not.

Another note: I’m not sure what you’re implying when you write “fitness goals.” It feels like you’re assuming certain qualities about your audience that we don’t actually know to be true. Let’s try to avoid any pre-existing bias in all following emails! However, since you have been trained to be exceedingly polite by your gym overlords, I have drawn up a list of my (alleged) fitness goals for this free trial. Here they are, in order:

  1. Sample the fancy shampoo and conditioner in the bathrooms
  2. Wear the gym pants collecting dust and germs and their own mental health issues in my suitcase
  3. Hear a white lady chant a plaintive “Om” before teaching me vinyasa yoga, making me feel uncomfortable about my lack of yoga knowledge as an Indian while simultaneously examining my horrendous posture in great detail. (Also saying chakra as shaakraa! An added bonus!)
  4. Coerce my lung to abandon my ribcage since the spin class lady thought I should cycle faster. She had to know by then that my lungs would have to find a home outside my body, otherwise she’d be in the wrong profession

It is a steep learning curve, Mr. Gym Membership Advisor Sir, but I assure you that, with time, you will see that many in my demographic think twice about giving money in exchange for almost vomiting! We will do it for free, however.

Nevertheless, thank you for taking the time to request an outrageous financial transaction and inviting me to pant on one of your sweaty treadmills, surrounded by lithe goddess-types towering over me at intimidating altitudes. If you’re still interested in learning more about me before paying Google to dig up my data—at present, all my body insecurity needs are being taken care of by the following parties:

  1. Me, myself, and I
  2. Society
  3. Social media
  4. My well-meaning grandmother

I understand this will not be the end of our correspondence. We live in a deranged world, one where certain universities will not only email you repeatedly to donate money before you’ve removed your graduation hat from your head, but will also charge you $12 to look at your own grades in digital copy. In Tamil, we refer to this as porikithanam. That is beside the point, but it’s important for you to have the necessary context from which I approach all hilarious emails, yours included. 

That’s it for now! Thanks so much. Please review and let me know if you have any questions or invalid concerns. Looking forward to hammering out a better deal in the near never!

Warm regards,

A duffer

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